Thank God, and I'm Free

2011

Remember that fall night when we parted beneath the tree at one corner of campus? We agreed to meet again in a few days; we both knew that it was to conclude our two-part break up, but for some reason we pretended it wasn’t. Maybe because your parents were coming to town. Though we were in perfect unspoken agreement (for the first time in a while), it marked the moment you weren’t with me any longer. So of course you weren’t there when I stood in warm sunlight in that exact spot much afterward and saw that lightning had shattered the tree. I immediately asked my roommate to take my picture, arms straight up, face squinched into a victory grin toward the sun.

Here’s why: another time walking under this tree I’d reflected that we are never in the same place twice because the earth is hurtling through the universe at a bajillion miles an hour (or whatever the exact figure is). So when I saw the stump, tall and jagged, with a sudden burst of joy I remembered this was true, knew I wasn’t going to be stuck in the same place, or stuck on you, that I couldn’t be even if I tried because time wouldn’t let me. It would keep pushing new sights and experiences into my face all the time, even if I had grown roots and taken up residence at that corner. Seasons would come and go, snow would land on my face and hair, melt and freeze into ice and disappear and come back in a cycle until spring. The ground next to me would be a construction site for an impossibly long time, then be inlaid with rows of brick and one day become a parking lot that pedestrians would mostly use as a shortcut to avoid the corner. I’d watch new batches of students hustle by me to lunch or class or dates or studying or something; the world spinning madly on. But people are kind and surprising, and surely someone would notice me and ask a question. Each time I told my story, I’d be processing it further, loosening the pain and regret deep-sunk into my spirit like an axe. Each time I told my story, I’d be making a copy of it, a weak wordy summary instead of the heavy and sharp remembering. And each time I made a copy, it would be a copy of the prior copy, not the original. It would get lighter and lighter until I could barely make out what it said at all, barely remember the girl who said all those things the first time and then summarized them again and again. She used to be me, but now she’s no one and nowhere. Her existence has been dispersed entirely, unrecoverable. Thank God, and I’m free. The tree as we knew it is gone, replaced by a stump, above which is hovering the ghost of the upper half of a tall trunk with flowing branches and leaves that can’t catch snow or stop rain because they are weightless and invisible, casting no shadows at all.

An Open Letter to Lecrae: Racism and Redirection

Dear Lecrae,

First of all, I've never written you a letter before, so let me introduce myself. I'm a huge fan. Your words cut deep, in the best way. Listening to you in the mornings sets the right tone for the day. You have a lot of talent and I'm so happy (for you and for me and for humanity) that you have chosen to wield your considerable influence to tell the truth in a super direct and catchy way. You work with some great rappers, so thanks for introducing me to them too. You'd probably be happy to know I learned of you while working in a rehab. Here's the context: your testimony had a huge impact on one of my friends accepting the Lord (think, "people with my background can love God, too?") and you had a big influence on many there. Incidentally, "Rehab" is also probably my favorite album of yours. Ok, onward.

Back in July, you posted a video on social media (so your emotions wouldn't be read into text, you said) asking why people seem to want to redirect you to different topics when you post about racial relations and the need for reconciliation. You kept stressing that you were really asking and not trying to be incendiary. You said you wanted respectful honesty, not anger. I absolutely loved your tone and you followed up an hour later very graciously thanking everyone for the feedback, of which there had already been a lot. I didn't dare post my response to your question when I realized the next morning that I had one, but here we go. And it's in text, not a video! *gulp* It was written in July, re-drafted in December, and final-edited in January.

The "inciting incident" of your video seemed to be responses to a post about Samuel DuBose getting shot by Ray Tensing over practically nothing. I don't know about other posts of yours, but the one I saw contained no commentary whatsoever. That’s key.

Somehow or another, I grew up with the impression that being racist was defined as noticing someone's race and noticing different behavior and style patterns between the races, allowing these observations to influence your behavior or impressions of the person before you. As an adult, I realize this is incredibly off-base (a black friend I met in college pointed out that would be like him completely disregarding the fact that I was a woman whenever he spoke to me--it all clicked into place then). But I wonder if there aren't many people out there who were under that same impression and did not have my friend present to tell them how off-base it was. So the fact that DuBose was black and Tensing was white is of integral importance to some of your followers and of uncertain or no meaning to others. No one can know what was in the heart of either man during the course of their interaction, much less how to "fix it.” We don't have Tensing explaining why he made such a horrible decision, and of course, we will never be able to hear from DuBose again.

Is it possible that it wasn't racism?

I scarcely dare to ask that question. To even ASK is socially taboo and I fear being figuratively bludgeoned over the head for having done so (not by you; I assume you are too nice for that). Hear me right: I'm not saying, "This incident wasn't race-related." The question just points to the complexity of the situation and the muddled viewpoints we all muddle through life with. I pose it to momentarily jolt us into a perspective so different it may feel strange at first, but may ultimately help answer your question.

It seems an interaction between a white person and a black person is usually seen to reflect on race if the white person behaves badly toward the black person. Yet, each situation is so different and so complex. And frankly, a lot of mistreatment goes on regularly between human: spouses mistreat each other and parents mistreat their children, let alone friends or strangers mistreating one another (regardless of race in all cases). With this much complexity, how then can this important issue even begin to be addressed or solved? As I wrote in my journal, "Lord Jesus, come quickly."

Again, I'm not saying race played no part in the shooting and death; I'm just answering your question of why people might be trying to redirect you: because the evil is confusing and deep, and may seem senseless or unconnected to a larger picture. If racism is defined as noticing race or trends between races, then their missing the point may be intentional, put on in an effort to not make things worse. They really might not get why you were posting, might not see it as a race thing. They might read it and say no more than, "Wow, that is super shitty!" It might feel like reading the headline, "Mother and boyfriend use two-year-old girl as punching bag; two-year-old currently clinging to life at hospital with failing brain scan results." (This is a real one from the week I drafted this letter). Like, "Wow, why would you even bring that up? Can you maybe not be so much of a downer? We already know life can be horrible." Personally, I can understand why someone would want to redirect that! Life is hard already without highlighting senseless, unredeemed suffering and evil. Meaningful or noble suffering is difficult enough! On the other hand, the parents who love their children well and fiercely and protect them from harm rarely make headlines for it, but we all know they're out there. The parents who fall somewhere in between, well, most of us probably had them.

Some issues have a clear evil that we can join together to rally against. The issues in which we can find meaning and shared vision make sense to bring up. We don't “need” commentary on those, so people don't try to redirect you as much. But what evil can we rally against if your post is about senseless violence? Especially if some are trying so hard to be color-blind because we were taught by well-meaning people that this is the best way to help. So what are we to be against? White people? That's hardly what you're against. Assholes? Obviously, but then it wouldn't be about race anymore. Police officers? Some have taken it that way, but to deny that police officers do lots of good, absolutely essential things is dangerously extreme.

So, by all means, please keep posting about important issues, especially this one if you can. That's just another gift God has you giving to this world. But consider giving a little more help to the unenlightened, a little more commentary to help those of us along who have had to learn as adults a reality you've probably been innately, painfully aware of for much longer. Especially for those who have not yet learned. You could be the way they learn it, if you're willing to coach from the ground up. You don't have to, of course, but if you do, you might hear more, "Ohhhhhh. I had no idea... Thanks." in place of, "Why are you posting this article?"

Thanks for asking. I admire your willingness to have open ears; in fact, I try to be the same way.

God bless,

Karin